On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
