my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
His hands were made for my vagina.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize