____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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