mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think I sprained my soul last night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
