I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
