what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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