I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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