and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
