i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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