All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
