I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"