he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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