Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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