just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize