Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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