no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
