Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
