How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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