im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
