Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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