What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What drink are we having for lunch?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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