We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize