Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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