did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
