today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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