I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck