I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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