Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
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I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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