ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
