I'm gonna have a badass scar
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
