when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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