You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
