Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
