The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
