at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
