So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
