i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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