At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
