if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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