Are we in a gay sports bar?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Damn victory sex feels great
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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