I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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