it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
