I just pynch a tree in the face
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
