It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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