Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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