u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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