I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
