I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
