Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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