Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
