I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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