Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
