the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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