Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
