Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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