I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
