Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
