I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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