We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
