Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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