So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
